Before, During, After Map
When a child runs away, goes missing, or refuses to return home
Safety first, clear escalation, calm connection, and careful recording.
Important: A missing episode can be a safeguarding event. It may increase risk, and it may also be a sign that a child is being pulled towards someone, somewhere, or something unsafe.
Follow your organisation’s missing procedures, local safeguarding arrangements, and agreed plan for the child.
Choose your role
Before the moment
The best response often begins before a child leaves. The aim is to understand pattern, reduce build-up, and have a clear safeguarding plan ready.
What might be happening underneath?
- Leaving can be a nervous system response, not simply a decision. Flight may feel safer than staying.
- Fear, shame, arguments, family time worries, online conflict, exploitation concerns, or trauma reminders may sit underneath the behaviour.
- Some children leave to regain control, escape distress, or get to a person or place that feels powerfully important to them.
- If a child leaves repeatedly, think about pattern as well as incident. Ask what keeps pulling them away, not only what happened this time.
Build an agreed safeguarding plan in calm time
- Agree what to do if the child leaves, refuses to return, or their whereabouts become unclear.
- Be clear about when to contact children’s social care, the child’s social worker, duty services, out-of-hours services, your manager, safeguarding lead, or the Police.
- Know what counts as immediate risk for this child, for example age, exploitation concerns, suicidal thoughts, substance use, unsafe adults, unsafe places, or severe weather.
- Keep important information easy to access, such as a recent photo, likely places, key friends, known risks, phone number, and medication needs.
- Complete and regularly update a Philomena Protocol or local equivalent if your agency, setting or local authority uses one.
- Talk with the child about what helps them return safely, who they are most likely to answer, what kind of message feels safe, and what tends to make things worse.
Support that can reduce the chance of a child leaving
- Spot early signs, such as pacing, grabbing keys, packing a bag, withdrawing, or saying “I’m done”.
- Use fewer words and lower your intensity. In a heightened moment, long explanations can feel like pressure.
- Offer dignity-preserving choices, for example, “Do you want five minutes alone or to sit near me with a drink?”
- Use low-shame language, such as “You can come back from this”, “We can sort this”, and “I want to help you stay safe”.
- Where safe and agreed, create a leaving safely plan, including where they can go, who they can contact, and how they can check in.
Gentle prompt
If this child left tonight, would every adult know exactly who to call, when to call, what information to give, and what not to do?
During the moment
Focus on safeguarding, follow the agreed plan, and keep the route back open. This is not the moment for lectures or consequences.
What matters most right now?
- Decide whether this is an immediate risk situation. If there is immediate danger or a real risk of significant harm, contact the Police straight away.
- If it is not an immediate emergency, follow the child’s agreed missing plan and local procedures without delay.
- Record key facts as they happen, including time last seen, where last seen, who they were with, what was said, clothing worn, phone contact, and actions taken.
- Keep communication calm, simple, and purposeful. The aim is safety and return, not blame.
What professionals may ask, and what it means
- What are the circumstances on this occasion? What happened today, not just the general background.
- When and where were they last seen, and by whom? The clearest last confirmed sighting.
- Was there antecedent behaviour? Signs that often happen before the child leaves, such as packing, withdrawing, online contact, or becoming restless.
- Was there a trigger incident? A row, family time, a boundary, a message, a school issue, or something else that may have tipped things over.
- Is this out of character? Whether this is unusual for this child, or different in timing, place, mood, or level of risk.
- What was their demeanour when last seen? Calm, angry, tearful, frightened, shut down, intoxicated, or unusually upbeat.
- Were there signs of pre-planning? Packed bag, charger missing, money taken, travel pass taken, messages sent, or lifts arranged.
- Who have they recently been in contact with? Calls, texts, apps, gaming chat, social media, and whether any contact raises concern.
Support that helps in the moment
- Send one simple message, for example, “I’m not focused on telling you off. I need to know you’re safe. Please reply, even with one word.”
- Offer a low-shame route back, for example, “You can come straight in, get a drink, and settle. We do not need to talk straight away.”
- If you know where the child is, do not walk into an unsafe situation on your own. Think safety first, including your own.
- If the plan says to check likely places or people, do that promptly and record what you did.
- Tell professionals what you know, but avoid guesswork. Separate fact from your worry or interpretation.
What you must not do
- Do not delay contacting the Police if there is immediate danger or a real risk of significant harm.
- Do not turn this into a punishment exercise while the child is still away.
- Do not post the child’s details on your own social media to try to locate them.
- The Police will coordinate publicity if that becomes necessary.
- Do not share information that could expose the child’s vulnerabilities, exploitation risk, or family circumstances.
- Do not put yourself at risk by confronting unsafe adults or going into unsafe places alone.
- Do not describe the child as “attention seeking”, “manipulative”, or “putting themselves at risk”. Focus on the behaviour, the context, and the safeguarding concern.
Gentle prompt
What will help the child feel safe enough to return, and what could make return feel harder?
After the moment
Once the child is back, focus on safety, settling, and understanding what happened. Repair first, then learning.
First priorities when the child returns
- Let the Police know immediately if the child was reported missing.
- Inform the relevant safeguarding people in line with your role and setting.
- Check the child’s immediate welfare, including injuries, intoxication, hunger, dehydration, sleep, medication, emotional state, and whether they need urgent medical attention.
- Be aware that, after a child returns, the Police may sometimes visit and speak with them to help check that they are safe and well. This may depend on the circumstances.
- In some situations, this welfare conversation may instead be carried out by the child’s social worker or another appropriate professional.
- Use calm, steady language such as “I’m relieved you’re back” and “Let’s get you settled”.
- Do not launch straight into detailed questioning unless there is an immediate safeguarding reason.
Repair first, then learning
- Keep the focus on safety rather than punishment.
- Name the impact without shaming, for example, “I was really worried because my job is to help keep you safe.”
- Talk later about what was building up beforehand, what the trigger may have been, and what helped them come back.
- Review the plan if patterns are emerging or if this episode involved new risks.
Recording and review
- Record clearly what happened, what actions were taken, who was informed, and when the child returned.
- Separate facts from opinions. Write what you know, then what you are worried about, and label them clearly.
- Update the child’s missing plan, safer caring plan, risk assessment, safety plan, behaviour plan or school record where relevant.
- Where required, make sure return-home arrangements, debriefs, return interviews or welfare conversations are followed through.
Language that cares
- Use “ran away”, “left”, “went missing” or “did not return when expected” rather than “absconded”, unless a statutory process specifically requires formal wording.
- Describe what happened rather than labelling the child, for example, “She left after an argument and did not return when expected.”
- Avoid wording that suggests the child chose harm or is responsible for adult risk.
- When reflecting, describe need, fear, distress, pressure, or pattern, not character flaws.
Final message
A missing episode is a safeguarding event. Understanding what led to it helps adults reduce the chances of it happening again and makes safety more reachable next time.
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What this pearl is all about
When children tip into full-blown distress – red-faced, fists clenched, or wailing – something important is happening inside their brains. Especially if there’s trauma in the mix. The rational part goes offline and the survival system takes over. Fight, flight… sometimes both at once. And in that state, calming down on their own is almost impossible.
That’s where you come in. By staying steady – calm body, calm voice – you become the anchor. It’s not glamorous, but it’s powerful. Your calm nervous system helps to steady theirs. Psychologists call it co-regulation. I call it being the anchor in their storm.
The tricky bit, of course, is regulating yourself first. Because their anger can be contagious. It’s very easy to catch it, to snap back. But if you can keep your cool – soften your tone, ground yourself – you transmit calm instead of panic.
And when you do that, you’re saying something profound without words: even at your worst, you’re still safe with me. Over time, those storms lose some of their terror. The child begins to believe it. They borrow your calm again and again, until eventually they start to grow some of their own.
What you could say in the moment
“I can see you’re feeling a really big storm inside right now. It’s okay – I’m right here with you, and you’re safe. Take some deep breaths with me. We will get through this together.”
(Said softly, perhaps while offering a reassuring hand on the shoulder if welcomed, conveying that you are not angry and will stay by the child’s side until the emotional waves settle.)
(Said softly, perhaps while offering a reassuring hand on the shoulder if welcomed, conveying that you are not angry and will stay by the child’s side until the emotional waves settle.)
What this pearl is all about
Children in foster care don’t usually lie in the way adults think of lying – not with the cold calculation of a fraudster in a Netflix documentary. More often it’s a kind of survival tactic, almost automatic. Trauma specialists even talk about it as a “fourth F.” You’ve heard of fight, flight, freeze… well, lying becomes another option. Not to get one over on you, but to dodge the sting of shame, or the dread of being punished, or simply the awful feeling of being powerless.
That’s where the Curiosity Lens comes in. Imagine putting on a pair of invisible glasses or holding up a magnifying glass. Instead of seeing the fib at face value, you start to see what’s underneath it – the fear of rejection, the nervous energy, the shame the child doesn’t know how to name. With PACE in mind – curiosity and acceptance especially – you suspend the moral outrage, the urge to shout “just tell me the truth,” and you lean in gently instead.
It’s not about catching them out. It’s about keeping the conversation alive. As one parenting guide wisely put it: stay exploratory, keep wondering aloud. If you shame them, they’ll close the door. If you stay curious, they might just leave it ajar.
And when you respond with genuine interest – “I wonder what made it hard to tell me…” – you send a message that’s bigger than any single lie: I’m not here to trap you, or humiliate you. I’m here to understand you. That, over time, is how trust grows. They learn you’ll meet their honesty with compassion, not punishment. And that changes everything.
What you could say in the moment
“Hmm, that’s an interesting story you’ve told me. I wonder if maybe it feels safer to say that than what really happened? If you’re worried about getting in trouble, you don’t have to be – you are safe with me. Whatever happened, we can sort it out together. Can you help me understand what’s going on?”
(This phrasing invites the child to explain, without outright accusing them of lying. It uses "I wonder" instead of "You’re lying", signalling curiosity. You might even playfully put on “magic truth glasses” with your fingers, if age-appropriate, to lighten the moment and show the child they’re not angry.)
(This phrasing invites the child to explain, without outright accusing them of lying. It uses "I wonder" instead of "You’re lying", signalling curiosity. You might even playfully put on “magic truth glasses” with your fingers, if age-appropriate, to lighten the moment and show the child they’re not angry.)
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What this pearl is all about
Many children in care carry a kind of hidden script in their heads. It says: I am bad. It’s my fault. They don’t usually say it out loud, but it’s there, humming away. It comes from years of early hurt, of being rejected again and again. Some even learn that if they show real feelings – sadness, anger, longing – it might lead to punishment, or worse, abandonment. So they tuck those feelings away, and the shame festers.
This is where the Acceptance Shield comes in. It’s less superhero cape, more everyday armour. You hold it up, deliberately and consistently, to protect the child from those shame-arrows. It means making a very clear distinction: I don’t always like your behaviour, but I always accept you.
In PACE terms, it’s acceptance and empathy working in tandem. You meet the child’s feelings as they are, even the messy ones. You empathise with the shame they’re drowning in. And practically, it means tempering your own response. No harsh telling-off. No thunderous disappointment. Instead: “You’re not a bad kid. I get why this happened. And I still care about you.”
Because here’s the thing: children watch closely for whether their inner world is safe with you. If you counter their self-criticism – “I’m stupid, I’m bad” – with calm, believable truths – “You’re good, you’re worthy” – you’re teaching them a new script. One where they’re not discarded for messing up. One where they’re covered.
And when you hold that shield day after day, the child starts to believe it. Their sense of self stitches back together. They start to grow resilience against shame and rejection. And in that, the bond between you becomes their secure base – something solid, at last, in a life that’s often felt shaky.
What you could say in the moment
“I know you feel really bad about this. It’s okay – we all make mistakes, but I want you to hear this: I’m not angry and I’m not leaving. I love you no matter what. Nothing will change that. Let’s figure out how to make it right together when you’re ready.”
(This script explicitly assures the child of your enduring acceptance. Phrases like “no matter what” and “nothing will change that” directly address fear of rejection. You might literally open your arms like a shield or put an arm around the child if appropriate, to physically reinforce the feeling of protection and safety.)
(This script explicitly assures the child of your enduring acceptance. Phrases like “no matter what” and “nothing will change that” directly address fear of rejection. You might literally open your arms like a shield or put an arm around the child if appropriate, to physically reinforce the feeling of protection and safety.)
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What this pearl is all about
Defiance in children can feel like a brick wall. They cross their arms, scowl, and say “No!” with the kind of finality usually reserved for magistrates. And you feel that surge of frustration rising – the urge to push back harder. But there’s another option.
The Playful Pause is about puncturing that tense balloon with a bit of silliness. A ridiculous face. A pretend dragon lurking in the room. A mock-serious “emergency” about socks refusing to cooperate. It sounds daft, and in a way it is. But daftness is often what works.
The magic of playfulness is that it pauses the power struggle. It shifts the dynamic from “me against you” to “me with you.” For a younger child, it might be full-on theatrics. For a teenager, maybe a raised eyebrow and a wry, self-deprecating joke. Either way, it says: I’m not your enemy. We can reset this together.
It doesn’t mean ignoring the behaviour. It just means you’re smart enough to know that humour can sneak past defences that sternness never will. And once you’ve both laughed, even a little, the wall crumbles. Suddenly there’s room to carry on. Together.
What you could say in the moment
In a mock-serious narrator voice: “Oh no... the Defiance Dragon has entered the room! It’s making us both all grumpy. Quick, I have an idea – I’ll make a funny face to scare it off… 😜 See, the dragon is laughing! Can you give it a try? [Child pulls a face] Hooray, we scared it away together!” (Both laugh, tension breaks) “Alright, shall we give (the task) another go now?”
In this playful script, you create a tiny imaginative game (“Defiance Dragon”) to externalise the child’s defiance as something we can team up against playfully. The exact script can vary widely by age (for a teenager, humour might be more understated, like you suddenly doing a goofy dance and saying “Ugh, what a morning – shall we hit reset and start over?” with a grin). The essence is to surprise the child out of the stuck position with levity. Your willingness to be a bit silly shows the child it’s safe to drop their guard. Once the child smiles or giggles, even briefly, the emotional climate shifts – we (you and the child) are connected again, and the task or issue can often be revisited with less resistance.
In this playful script, you create a tiny imaginative game (“Defiance Dragon”) to externalise the child’s defiance as something we can team up against playfully. The exact script can vary widely by age (for a teenager, humour might be more understated, like you suddenly doing a goofy dance and saying “Ugh, what a morning – shall we hit reset and start over?” with a grin). The essence is to surprise the child out of the stuck position with levity. Your willingness to be a bit silly shows the child it’s safe to drop their guard. Once the child smiles or giggles, even briefly, the emotional climate shifts – we (you and the child) are connected again, and the task or issue can often be revisited with less resistance.
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What this pearl is all about
When a child withdraws – shuts the bedroom door, curls up silent on the bed – it’s tempting to take it personally. To knock loudly, or to storm off yourself. But here’s the truth: often what’s happening is less about you and more about the child drowning in feelings they can’t quite put words to. Shame, sadness, fear.
The Empathy Bridge is about reaching across that gap. Not forcing them to talk, not demanding eye contact, but sending a quiet signal: I see you. I understand. And I’m here. Maybe it’s a few calm words through the door. Maybe it’s leaving a note or a favourite snack outside. Maybe it’s just sitting nearby, available.
The visual is a bridge of hearts or hands. You stand on your side, they on theirs. And you extend something across – empathy – so when they’re ready, they can walk back over. The bridge is patient. It doesn’t collapse if they don’t use it straight away.
This says to the child: Even if you push me away, I won’t give up on you. And in time, that’s how trust is built. They learn that silence won’t scare you off. That feelings won’t break the relationship. And that you are a steady presence on the far side of the cliff, always waiting, always ready to welcome them back.
What you could say in the moment
(You speak through the door or next to the withdrawn child, calmly and kindly): “I know it’s been a really upsetting day. If I were you, I might want to hide under the covers too. Just wanted to say I understand why you feel that way, and it’s alright. I’m here whenever you feel like talking or even if you just want a hug. Take your time – I’m not going anywhere.”
(In this script, you're naming and normalising the child’s likely feelings, showing empathy: “I’d feel the same if I were in your shoes.” There’s also an explicit assurance of presence: “I’m here… I’m not going anywhere,” which is crucial for a child worried about being given up on. The tone is gentle, not demanding a response. You might sit quietly nearby, or leave a soft toy or drawing materials as an invitation. The child then knows the bridge is there whenever they are ready to cross back into interaction. Even if the child doesn’t respond immediately, such messages sink in and over time the child will trust that the carer truly cares and empathises with them.)
(In this script, you're naming and normalising the child’s likely feelings, showing empathy: “I’d feel the same if I were in your shoes.” There’s also an explicit assurance of presence: “I’m here… I’m not going anywhere,” which is crucial for a child worried about being given up on. The tone is gentle, not demanding a response. You might sit quietly nearby, or leave a soft toy or drawing materials as an invitation. The child then knows the bridge is there whenever they are ready to cross back into interaction. Even if the child doesn’t respond immediately, such messages sink in and over time the child will trust that the carer truly cares and empathises with them.)
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