Before, During, After Map
Record Keeping, What Good Looks Like (Foster and Kinship Care Notes)
Record keeping is not about perfect writing. It is about helping another adult understand what happened, what you did, and how the child experienced it. This map gives carers and schools simple, practical examples and wording, with an added kinship lens when the story belongs to your own family.
Before you write anything
Let's start with examples, structure, and a calm reminder that “good enough” is a real standard.
What good records are for
- Helping another adult understand the child’s day without you needing to explain it later.
- Protecting the child by spotting patterns and sharing information safely.
- Protecting you by showing what you saw, what you did, and why.
- Supporting planning, reviews, and joined up work with school, social care, and health.
- Leaving a fair, respectful trail that the child could one day read.
What to record, focus on what matters
- Safeguarding concerns, allegations, injuries, missing from home, and significant incidents.
- Medication given, treatment, and first aid.
- Escalations, and serious dysregulation.
- Important disclosures, worrying statements, or changes in presentation.
- Anything that impacts safety, care planning, or the child’s wellbeing.
The simple structure that keeps you safe
- When and where did it happen?
- Who was there?
- What did you see and hear?
- What did you do?
- What happened next, how did it end?
- Any follow up, who have you told, what needs doing?
Kinship lens, the extra emotional load
- Writing about traumatic incidents can feel like documenting your own family’s pain, not “someone else’s case”.
- You might feel guilt, loyalty conflict, or fear of judgement from relatives. Those feelings are real, and the record still needs to be clear.
- Some kinship carers avoid writing detail because it feels disloyal. The safer frame is that good notes protect the child and protect you.
- If you are shaken after an incident, do a quick regulate first, water, breath, grounded feet, then write the facts.
Gentle prompt
If someone read this in a month, with no context, would they understand what happened and how you kept the child safe?
If this is your family, can you still write it as a safety record, not a verdict?
If this is your family, can you still write it as a safety record, not a verdict?
During, writing the note
In the moment, keep it factual, kind, and calm. Describe behaviour, not character. Record what you did, not what you wish you had done.
Fact vs opinion, quick guide
- Fact: what you saw, heard, or were told, and the exact words when possible.
- Opinion: your view, interpretation, or professional judgement.
- Third party info: what someone else said, and who said it.
- Helpful phrases: “We observed…”, “X said…”, “School reported…”, “We believe…”
Example 1, Big emotions after school (strong practice)
- At around 4.20pm, Jamie returned from school and appeared unsettled. When asked to put his bag away, he shouted and pushed a chair over.
- We stayed nearby, spoke calmly, and offered space. After approximately 15 minutes, Jamie settled.
- Jamie later said school had felt “too loud” today. We believe he was overwhelmed following the school day.
Kinship note, when the incident links to family contact or conflict
- Record what was said without adding family interpretation, for example, “Child said…” rather than “Child was manipulating”.
- If contact happened that day, note the timing, what was observed, and the child’s presentation after.
- Avoid criticising family members in the record. You can record impact without blame, for example “After the call, child appeared tearful and withdrawn”.
- If you feel unsafe because of family response, record that as a safety concern and share with the allocated worker.
Expandable example, When a boundary causes upset
Strong practice record
- At around 5.45pm, dinner was served and we reminded Alex that screen time ends at 6pm. Alex became upset and shouted, saying it was unfair.
- He slammed his bedroom door and stayed in his room for approximately 10 minutes. We stayed nearby, spoke calmly through the door, and reminded him we would talk once he felt ready.
- No damage or injuries occurred. Alex returned downstairs at around 5.55pm, apologised for shouting, and joined us for dinner.
- We acknowledged how hard it felt and kept the boundary around screen time. The evening settled and Alex later played a board game before bed.
Child-centred version
This evening felt hard when screen time ended. You were really frustrated and shouted before going to your room. We stayed close by and waited until you were ready to talk.
You came back down, apologised, and joined us for dinner. We were glad we could talk it through and keep the plan for the evening. Later, you played a board game and the rest of the evening felt calmer.
You came back down, apologised, and joined us for dinner. We were glad we could talk it through and keep the plan for the evening. Later, you played a board game and the rest of the evening felt calmer.
Gentle prompt
If your note had to stand up on its own in a serious meeting, would it be clear what happened, what you did, and what changed next?
If you felt guilt while writing, did it pull you towards vagueness or softness that might reduce clarity?
If you felt guilt while writing, did it pull you towards vagueness or softness that might reduce clarity?
After, a quick check before you submit
After you have written it, take 30 seconds. This is where good notes become safe notes.
The 30 second safety check
- Have I separated fact from opinion?
- Have I avoided labels and blame?
- Have I included the child’s voice where relevant?
- Is it clear what I did to keep the child safe?
- Would I feel comfortable explaining this note to the child later?
High-risk moments, record with extra clarity
- Allegations, safeguarding concerns, injuries, physical interventions, and missing from home.
- Use exact times and exact words where possible.
- Keep it calm and factual, and record who you informed and when.
- Avoid guessing motives. If you include interpretation, signpost it clearly, “We believe…”
Kinship aftercare, look after the carer too
- If writing the note replays the incident in your head, pause and regulate. Trauma stewardship matters in kinship homes.
- If the incident is tied to your son, daughter, sibling, or close relative, consider a short debrief with your supervising worker or support network.
- If you are worried about family backlash, record the concern and ask for guidance about contact and boundaries.
- Remember, a clear record is a protective boundary. It reduces misunderstandings later.
Final message
Good record keeping is not perfect writing. It is fair, clear, and kind. If your note helps another adult care for this child well, you have done it right.
In kinship care, good notes can feel emotionally heavy. That does not mean you are doing it wrong, it means you care.
In kinship care, good notes can feel emotionally heavy. That does not mean you are doing it wrong, it means you care.
Case Studies
Three common care moments, each with “what risky looks like” and “what good looks like”. Use these as models.
Case study 1, Minor injury at home
- Risky: “Ella hurt herself messing about.”
- Better: “At 6.05pm, Ella tripped while running in the garden and grazed her knee. The area was cleaned and a plaster applied. Ella was upset initially but settled quickly and continued playing.”
- What good shows: timing, facts, response, outcome.
Case study 2, Disclosure at bedtime
- Risky: “Leo made up another story about his mum.”
- Better: “During bedtime at approximately 8.10pm, Leo said, ‘Mum used to leave me on my own at night.’ We listened, reassured him, and did not ask further questions. This has been shared with the supervising social worker.”
- What good shows: exact words, calm response, appropriate follow up.
Case study 3, Late return or missing from home
- Better example: “At around 8.15pm, when Maya had not returned home at the agreed time of 8pm, we attempted to contact her by phone. Maya answered and said she was still at her friend’s house and had lost track of time. We reminded Maya of the agreed return time and asked her to come home. Maya returned at approximately 8.35pm. On return, Maya appeared calm and apologised for being late. We discussed the importance of letting us know if plans change and agreed that she would message if she is running late in future. No further concerns were identified, and the evening settled as normal.”
- What good shows: action taken, times, child’s explanation, presentation on return, information sharing.
Kinship case study, Post-contact dysregulation
- Risky: “Contact upset her again. Mum always does this.”
- Better: “At approximately 6.40pm, following a phone call with [family member], child appeared tearful and quiet and went to their bedroom. Child later shouted, ‘I don’t want to live here’ and pushed a cushion across the room. We stayed nearby, spoke calmly, and offered a drink and space. Child settled after approximately 20 minutes and later joined the household for dinner. We believe the call may have contributed to the child feeling overwhelmed. We will share this pattern with the allocated worker.”
- What good shows: facts, timing, child’s words, your response, and a neutral link to possible triggers.
Gentle prompt
If you wrote a note that was kind but vague, what one extra detail would make it clearer, time, words, action, or outcome?
If the trigger involved family, have you recorded impact without blame?
If the trigger involved family, have you recorded impact without blame?
Suggested Therapeutic Wording
Ready to copy and paste phrases for carers and schools. These keep records factual, respectful, and clear about what is belief versus observation.
Carer friendly wording
- “At approximately [time], [child] said…”
- “We observed…”
- “We reassured [child] and offered…”
- “[Child] appeared [calmer, tired, withdrawn, unsettled] and later…”
- “We believe [child] may have been feeling [overwhelmed, anxious] following…”
- “No injuries or damage were observed.”
- “We informed [role] at [time] and will follow up by…”
Kinship wording, when family is part of the story
- “Following contact with [family member], [child] appeared…”
- “Child used the words ‘…’ when speaking about [topic].”
- “We did not discuss the matter with other family members and will seek guidance via the allocated worker.”
- “We are aware of possible family pressure and will follow safeguarding guidance.”
- “We have recorded the impact on the child’s presentation and the support offered.”
School friendly wording
- “During [lesson/time], staff observed…”
- “[Child] requested time out and used the agreed plan by going to…”
- “Support offered was [named adult], water, quiet space, short check in.”
- “[Child] returned to learning at [time] and presentation was…”
- “Concerns were shared with the Designated Safeguarding Lead and recorded according to policy.”
Final message
The goal is not a long record. The goal is a record that is clear, fair, and useful. Short and specific beats long and vague.
Let us know what you thought
Policies
Awards & Recognition
In 2025 we were recognised by Synthesia for using AI to support foster and kinship carers and create positive social change. This award belongs to every carer who has helped build our courses.
The Academy is an Associate member of:
The Academy is registered with the Information Commissioner's Office, in relation to Data Protection, under the company name 'Pink Pearl Consulting Limited' | Registration No: ZB963794
Copyright © 2026, Pink Pearl Consulting Limited, registered in England & Wales, no. 16232207.
What this pearl is all about
When children tip into full-blown distress – red-faced, fists clenched, or wailing – something important is happening inside their brains. Especially if there’s trauma in the mix. The rational part goes offline and the survival system takes over. Fight, flight… sometimes both at once. And in that state, calming down on their own is almost impossible.
That’s where you come in. By staying steady – calm body, calm voice – you become the anchor. It’s not glamorous, but it’s powerful. Your calm nervous system helps to steady theirs. Psychologists call it co-regulation. I call it being the anchor in their storm.
The tricky bit, of course, is regulating yourself first. Because their anger can be contagious. It’s very easy to catch it, to snap back. But if you can keep your cool – soften your tone, ground yourself – you transmit calm instead of panic.
And when you do that, you’re saying something profound without words: even at your worst, you’re still safe with me. Over time, those storms lose some of their terror. The child begins to believe it. They borrow your calm again and again, until eventually they start to grow some of their own.
What you could say in the moment
“I can see you’re feeling a really big storm inside right now. It’s okay – I’m right here with you, and you’re safe. Take some deep breaths with me. We will get through this together.”
(Said softly, perhaps while offering a reassuring hand on the shoulder if welcomed, conveying that you are not angry and will stay by the child’s side until the emotional waves settle.)
(Said softly, perhaps while offering a reassuring hand on the shoulder if welcomed, conveying that you are not angry and will stay by the child’s side until the emotional waves settle.)
What this pearl is all about
Children in foster care don’t usually lie in the way adults think of lying – not with the cold calculation of a fraudster in a Netflix documentary. More often it’s a kind of survival tactic, almost automatic. Trauma specialists even talk about it as a “fourth F.” You’ve heard of fight, flight, freeze… well, lying becomes another option. Not to get one over on you, but to dodge the sting of shame, or the dread of being punished, or simply the awful feeling of being powerless.
That’s where the Curiosity Lens comes in. Imagine putting on a pair of invisible glasses or holding up a magnifying glass. Instead of seeing the fib at face value, you start to see what’s underneath it – the fear of rejection, the nervous energy, the shame the child doesn’t know how to name. With PACE in mind – curiosity and acceptance especially – you suspend the moral outrage, the urge to shout “just tell me the truth,” and you lean in gently instead.
It’s not about catching them out. It’s about keeping the conversation alive. As one parenting guide wisely put it: stay exploratory, keep wondering aloud. If you shame them, they’ll close the door. If you stay curious, they might just leave it ajar.
And when you respond with genuine interest – “I wonder what made it hard to tell me…” – you send a message that’s bigger than any single lie: I’m not here to trap you, or humiliate you. I’m here to understand you. That, over time, is how trust grows. They learn you’ll meet their honesty with compassion, not punishment. And that changes everything.
What you could say in the moment
“Hmm, that’s an interesting story you’ve told me. I wonder if maybe it feels safer to say that than what really happened? If you’re worried about getting in trouble, you don’t have to be – you are safe with me. Whatever happened, we can sort it out together. Can you help me understand what’s going on?”
(This phrasing invites the child to explain, without outright accusing them of lying. It uses "I wonder" instead of "You’re lying", signalling curiosity. You might even playfully put on “magic truth glasses” with your fingers, if age-appropriate, to lighten the moment and show the child they’re not angry.)
(This phrasing invites the child to explain, without outright accusing them of lying. It uses "I wonder" instead of "You’re lying", signalling curiosity. You might even playfully put on “magic truth glasses” with your fingers, if age-appropriate, to lighten the moment and show the child they’re not angry.)
Empty space, drag to resize
What this pearl is all about
Many children in care carry a kind of hidden script in their heads. It says: I am bad. It’s my fault. They don’t usually say it out loud, but it’s there, humming away. It comes from years of early hurt, of being rejected again and again. Some even learn that if they show real feelings – sadness, anger, longing – it might lead to punishment, or worse, abandonment. So they tuck those feelings away, and the shame festers.
This is where the Acceptance Shield comes in. It’s less superhero cape, more everyday armour. You hold it up, deliberately and consistently, to protect the child from those shame-arrows. It means making a very clear distinction: I don’t always like your behaviour, but I always accept you.
In PACE terms, it’s acceptance and empathy working in tandem. You meet the child’s feelings as they are, even the messy ones. You empathise with the shame they’re drowning in. And practically, it means tempering your own response. No harsh telling-off. No thunderous disappointment. Instead: “You’re not a bad kid. I get why this happened. And I still care about you.”
Because here’s the thing: children watch closely for whether their inner world is safe with you. If you counter their self-criticism – “I’m stupid, I’m bad” – with calm, believable truths – “You’re good, you’re worthy” – you’re teaching them a new script. One where they’re not discarded for messing up. One where they’re covered.
And when you hold that shield day after day, the child starts to believe it. Their sense of self stitches back together. They start to grow resilience against shame and rejection. And in that, the bond between you becomes their secure base – something solid, at last, in a life that’s often felt shaky.
What you could say in the moment
“I know you feel really bad about this. It’s okay – we all make mistakes, but I want you to hear this: I’m not angry and I’m not leaving. I love you no matter what. Nothing will change that. Let’s figure out how to make it right together when you’re ready.”
(This script explicitly assures the child of your enduring acceptance. Phrases like “no matter what” and “nothing will change that” directly address fear of rejection. You might literally open your arms like a shield or put an arm around the child if appropriate, to physically reinforce the feeling of protection and safety.)
(This script explicitly assures the child of your enduring acceptance. Phrases like “no matter what” and “nothing will change that” directly address fear of rejection. You might literally open your arms like a shield or put an arm around the child if appropriate, to physically reinforce the feeling of protection and safety.)
Empty space, drag to resize
What this pearl is all about
Defiance in children can feel like a brick wall. They cross their arms, scowl, and say “No!” with the kind of finality usually reserved for magistrates. And you feel that surge of frustration rising – the urge to push back harder. But there’s another option.
The Playful Pause is about puncturing that tense balloon with a bit of silliness. A ridiculous face. A pretend dragon lurking in the room. A mock-serious “emergency” about socks refusing to cooperate. It sounds daft, and in a way it is. But daftness is often what works.
The magic of playfulness is that it pauses the power struggle. It shifts the dynamic from “me against you” to “me with you.” For a younger child, it might be full-on theatrics. For a teenager, maybe a raised eyebrow and a wry, self-deprecating joke. Either way, it says: I’m not your enemy. We can reset this together.
It doesn’t mean ignoring the behaviour. It just means you’re smart enough to know that humour can sneak past defences that sternness never will. And once you’ve both laughed, even a little, the wall crumbles. Suddenly there’s room to carry on. Together.
What you could say in the moment
In a mock-serious narrator voice: “Oh no... the Defiance Dragon has entered the room! It’s making us both all grumpy. Quick, I have an idea – I’ll make a funny face to scare it off… 😜 See, the dragon is laughing! Can you give it a try? [Child pulls a face] Hooray, we scared it away together!” (Both laugh, tension breaks) “Alright, shall we give (the task) another go now?”
In this playful script, you create a tiny imaginative game (“Defiance Dragon”) to externalise the child’s defiance as something we can team up against playfully. The exact script can vary widely by age (for a teenager, humour might be more understated, like you suddenly doing a goofy dance and saying “Ugh, what a morning – shall we hit reset and start over?” with a grin). The essence is to surprise the child out of the stuck position with levity. Your willingness to be a bit silly shows the child it’s safe to drop their guard. Once the child smiles or giggles, even briefly, the emotional climate shifts – we (you and the child) are connected again, and the task or issue can often be revisited with less resistance.
In this playful script, you create a tiny imaginative game (“Defiance Dragon”) to externalise the child’s defiance as something we can team up against playfully. The exact script can vary widely by age (for a teenager, humour might be more understated, like you suddenly doing a goofy dance and saying “Ugh, what a morning – shall we hit reset and start over?” with a grin). The essence is to surprise the child out of the stuck position with levity. Your willingness to be a bit silly shows the child it’s safe to drop their guard. Once the child smiles or giggles, even briefly, the emotional climate shifts – we (you and the child) are connected again, and the task or issue can often be revisited with less resistance.
Empty space, drag to resize
What this pearl is all about
When a child withdraws – shuts the bedroom door, curls up silent on the bed – it’s tempting to take it personally. To knock loudly, or to storm off yourself. But here’s the truth: often what’s happening is less about you and more about the child drowning in feelings they can’t quite put words to. Shame, sadness, fear.
The Empathy Bridge is about reaching across that gap. Not forcing them to talk, not demanding eye contact, but sending a quiet signal: I see you. I understand. And I’m here. Maybe it’s a few calm words through the door. Maybe it’s leaving a note or a favourite snack outside. Maybe it’s just sitting nearby, available.
The visual is a bridge of hearts or hands. You stand on your side, they on theirs. And you extend something across – empathy – so when they’re ready, they can walk back over. The bridge is patient. It doesn’t collapse if they don’t use it straight away.
This says to the child: Even if you push me away, I won’t give up on you. And in time, that’s how trust is built. They learn that silence won’t scare you off. That feelings won’t break the relationship. And that you are a steady presence on the far side of the cliff, always waiting, always ready to welcome them back.
What you could say in the moment
(You speak through the door or next to the withdrawn child, calmly and kindly): “I know it’s been a really upsetting day. If I were you, I might want to hide under the covers too. Just wanted to say I understand why you feel that way, and it’s alright. I’m here whenever you feel like talking or even if you just want a hug. Take your time – I’m not going anywhere.”
(In this script, you're naming and normalising the child’s likely feelings, showing empathy: “I’d feel the same if I were in your shoes.” There’s also an explicit assurance of presence: “I’m here… I’m not going anywhere,” which is crucial for a child worried about being given up on. The tone is gentle, not demanding a response. You might sit quietly nearby, or leave a soft toy or drawing materials as an invitation. The child then knows the bridge is there whenever they are ready to cross back into interaction. Even if the child doesn’t respond immediately, such messages sink in and over time the child will trust that the carer truly cares and empathises with them.)
(In this script, you're naming and normalising the child’s likely feelings, showing empathy: “I’d feel the same if I were in your shoes.” There’s also an explicit assurance of presence: “I’m here… I’m not going anywhere,” which is crucial for a child worried about being given up on. The tone is gentle, not demanding a response. You might sit quietly nearby, or leave a soft toy or drawing materials as an invitation. The child then knows the bridge is there whenever they are ready to cross back into interaction. Even if the child doesn’t respond immediately, such messages sink in and over time the child will trust that the carer truly cares and empathises with them.)
Empty space, drag to resize
Get started
Demo of Navigating our Courses
Created with
