Before, During, After Map
If a Child Discloses Domestic Abuse
Disclosures can arrive out of nowhere. This map helps you respond calmly, share concerns safely, and record clearly, without turning the moment into an investigation, whether you are fostering or caring for a child within your family network.
Before, steady yourself
Disclosures often arrive unexpectedly. Your calm response helps a child feel safer, even if you feel shaken inside.
First things first, what matters most
- Talking is a huge step for the child.
- Your calm response helps their body feel safer.
- You do not need details or proof in the moment.
- You are not there to investigate or fix, you are there to listen, respond safely, and pass information on.
What you are not expected to do
- Investigate, test what is true, or ask for timelines.
- Judge, diagnose, or decide risk alone.
- Confront the alleged abuser.
- Carry it on your own.
Kinship lens, when you know the person being talked about
- It can feel like two emergencies at once, the child’s safety and your family’s story cracking open.
- You might feel pulled to minimise, explain, defend, or fix. That is human, and it can also get in the way of safeguarding.
- You do not need to decide what is “true” in the moment. Your job is to listen, respond safely, and pass the concern on.
- If you fear backlash from family, name this risk to professionals, as it can affect your safety and the child’s.
Your simple aim
- Be a safe adult in the moment.
- Share concerns promptly with the right professionals.
- Record clearly, separating fact from opinion.
Gentle prompt
If your body starts to panic, what helps you regulate, slower breathing, softer voice, grounded feet, sitting nearby rather than looming?
If this disclosure is about someone you love, what helps you stay child-focused for the next ten minutes?
If this disclosure is about someone you love, what helps you stay child-focused for the next ten minutes?
During, responding in the moment
Keep it calm and simple. Your job is safety and trust, not certainty.
Do this
- Create a safe space and let them talk at their pace.
- Explain, gently, that you will need to share this with other adults to help keep them safe.
- Listen without pressing for more information.
- Thank them for telling you and reassure them they did the right thing.
- Make it clear it is not their fault.
- Stay regulated, your calm helps their nervous system settle.
If the child names a relative, or someone you know well
- Keep your face steady. Children notice micro-reactions, especially guilt, anger, disbelief.
- Use neutral language, “Thank you for telling me,” rather than “I can’t believe he’d do that.”
- If the child worries about “getting someone in trouble,” validate the worry without undoing the disclosure.
- Be clear you will not discuss it with family yourself, you will share it through safeguarding channels.
Avoid this
- Why questions, or any probing that tries to gather details.
- Promising to keep it secret.
- Asking them to repeat it for someone else.
- Confronting the alleged abuser or discussing it with family members.
- Making big statements you cannot keep, for example, “It will all be sorted tomorrow.”
Expandable example, a short bedtime disclosure
In-the-moment response (strong practice)
- Child: “When Mum’s boyfriend got angry, he would shout and throw things.”
- Carer: “I’m really glad you told me. That sounds scary. It is not your fault.”
- Carer: “You do not need to tell me lots of details. My job is to help keep you safe, so I will make sure your social worker and my social worker know what you've told me. This helps them to keep you safe.”
- Carer: “You haven’t done anything wrong by telling me, and you’re not responsible for what happens next.”
- Carer stayed calm, sat nearby, and offered comfort in a way the child preferred.
How this could appear in a child-centred log
Saturday 20th November 2025: I (Sarah) was sat with you in the lounge. At 6.30pm you told me something important about things that happened before you lived here. You said “When Mum’s boyfriend got angry, he would shout and throw things". You appeared calm when you told me.
We told you we were glad you told us, and that it was not your fault. We did not ask you for more details. I sent your social worker and my supervising social worker an email at 8pm to let them know what you told me. I did this so they could help to keep you safe.
We told you we were glad you told us, and that it was not your fault. We did not ask you for more details. I sent your social worker and my supervising social worker an email at 8pm to let them know what you told me. I did this so they could help to keep you safe.
Gentle prompt
If the child remembers only one thing, would it be, “I was believed, and the adult stayed calm”?
After, reporting and recording
This is where you protect the child, and yourself. Share promptly, then record clearly.
Reporting pathway
- If a child is in immediate danger, call 999.
- For past experiences, which is more common, inform the child’s social worker as soon as possible.
- Copy in your supervising social worker.
- Follow your service safeguarding procedure and take advice if you are unsure.
- If the disclosure involves someone in the family network, ask for safeguarding advice before discussing it with relatives.
Extra safety planning for kinship families
- Tell the child’s social worker if you expect family pressure, surprise visits, threats, or social media fallout.
- Ask for advice on contact arrangements straight away if the disclosure relates to someone in the contact network.
- If the named person is in your wider family, you may need a clear plan about who can visit, what you will do if they turn up, and how you will keep routines safe.
- Record any family reactions that affect safety, sticking to facts, dates, and times.
Recording the disclosure, what good looks like
- Record exactly what the child said, using their words where possible.
- Record the date, time, location, and who was present.
- Describe presentation, for example tearful, quiet, shaking, calm, withdrawn.
- Record what you did next, including who you informed, when, and how.
- Separate fact from opinion. If you include reflection, signpost it clearly, “I wonder if…” or “We believe…”
Write as if
- The child may read this at 18.
- A court may read this.
- Another professional may rely on it to make a decision.
Final message
You are expected to listen, respond calmly, share concerns promptly, and record clearly. That is enough.
Suggested Wording
Ready to copy and paste phrases. These keep language calm, factual, and clear about what is observation versus reflection.
In the moment, child-facing phrases
- “I’m really glad you told me.”
- “That sounds really scary. You didn’t cause this.”
- “You don’t need to tell me lots of details.”
- “My job is to help keep you safe, so I'll share what you've told me with our social workers.”
- “We can take this slowly, I’m here with you.”
Kinship-only wording, when loyalties feel tangled
- “I can hear this is complicated. You can love someone and still feel scared of what they did.”
- “It’s not your job to protect adults from consequences, it’s our job to protect you.”
- “I’m not going to discuss this with family myself, I’m going to speak to the people whose job it is to help keep you safe.”
- “You haven’t done anything wrong by telling me.”
Carer record wording
- “At approximately [time], [child] said…”
- “We listened and did not ask further questions.”
- “[Child] appeared [tearful, withdrawn, shaking, quiet] and later…”
- “We reassured [child] and explained we will share this with their social worker and our supervising social worker to help keep them safe.”
- “We informed [role] at [time] by [phone/email] and will follow up by…”
- “We believe [child] may have felt [anxious, unsettled] following the disclosure.”
- “Disclosure relates to a person known to the carer or family network.”
- “Carer did not share information with family members and sought safeguarding advice.”
School or settings wording (if you share context)
- “A disclosure was received at home. Information has been shared with social care in line with safeguarding procedures.”
- “Please monitor presentation and report any concerns to your Designated Safeguarding Lead.”
- “Support that may help today is a calm check-in, quiet space, and predictable transitions.”
Final message
The goal is not perfect words. The goal is a safe moment, prompt sharing, and a clear record.
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What this pearl is all about
When children tip into full-blown distress – red-faced, fists clenched, or wailing – something important is happening inside their brains. Especially if there’s trauma in the mix. The rational part goes offline and the survival system takes over. Fight, flight… sometimes both at once. And in that state, calming down on their own is almost impossible.
That’s where you come in. By staying steady – calm body, calm voice – you become the anchor. It’s not glamorous, but it’s powerful. Your calm nervous system helps to steady theirs. Psychologists call it co-regulation. I call it being the anchor in their storm.
The tricky bit, of course, is regulating yourself first. Because their anger can be contagious. It’s very easy to catch it, to snap back. But if you can keep your cool – soften your tone, ground yourself – you transmit calm instead of panic.
And when you do that, you’re saying something profound without words: even at your worst, you’re still safe with me. Over time, those storms lose some of their terror. The child begins to believe it. They borrow your calm again and again, until eventually they start to grow some of their own.
What you could say in the moment
“I can see you’re feeling a really big storm inside right now. It’s okay – I’m right here with you, and you’re safe. Take some deep breaths with me. We will get through this together.”
(Said softly, perhaps while offering a reassuring hand on the shoulder if welcomed, conveying that you are not angry and will stay by the child’s side until the emotional waves settle.)
(Said softly, perhaps while offering a reassuring hand on the shoulder if welcomed, conveying that you are not angry and will stay by the child’s side until the emotional waves settle.)
What this pearl is all about
Children in foster care don’t usually lie in the way adults think of lying – not with the cold calculation of a fraudster in a Netflix documentary. More often it’s a kind of survival tactic, almost automatic. Trauma specialists even talk about it as a “fourth F.” You’ve heard of fight, flight, freeze… well, lying becomes another option. Not to get one over on you, but to dodge the sting of shame, or the dread of being punished, or simply the awful feeling of being powerless.
That’s where the Curiosity Lens comes in. Imagine putting on a pair of invisible glasses or holding up a magnifying glass. Instead of seeing the fib at face value, you start to see what’s underneath it – the fear of rejection, the nervous energy, the shame the child doesn’t know how to name. With PACE in mind – curiosity and acceptance especially – you suspend the moral outrage, the urge to shout “just tell me the truth,” and you lean in gently instead.
It’s not about catching them out. It’s about keeping the conversation alive. As one parenting guide wisely put it: stay exploratory, keep wondering aloud. If you shame them, they’ll close the door. If you stay curious, they might just leave it ajar.
And when you respond with genuine interest – “I wonder what made it hard to tell me…” – you send a message that’s bigger than any single lie: I’m not here to trap you, or humiliate you. I’m here to understand you. That, over time, is how trust grows. They learn you’ll meet their honesty with compassion, not punishment. And that changes everything.
What you could say in the moment
“Hmm, that’s an interesting story you’ve told me. I wonder if maybe it feels safer to say that than what really happened? If you’re worried about getting in trouble, you don’t have to be – you are safe with me. Whatever happened, we can sort it out together. Can you help me understand what’s going on?”
(This phrasing invites the child to explain, without outright accusing them of lying. It uses "I wonder" instead of "You’re lying", signalling curiosity. You might even playfully put on “magic truth glasses” with your fingers, if age-appropriate, to lighten the moment and show the child they’re not angry.)
(This phrasing invites the child to explain, without outright accusing them of lying. It uses "I wonder" instead of "You’re lying", signalling curiosity. You might even playfully put on “magic truth glasses” with your fingers, if age-appropriate, to lighten the moment and show the child they’re not angry.)
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What this pearl is all about
Many children in care carry a kind of hidden script in their heads. It says: I am bad. It’s my fault. They don’t usually say it out loud, but it’s there, humming away. It comes from years of early hurt, of being rejected again and again. Some even learn that if they show real feelings – sadness, anger, longing – it might lead to punishment, or worse, abandonment. So they tuck those feelings away, and the shame festers.
This is where the Acceptance Shield comes in. It’s less superhero cape, more everyday armour. You hold it up, deliberately and consistently, to protect the child from those shame-arrows. It means making a very clear distinction: I don’t always like your behaviour, but I always accept you.
In PACE terms, it’s acceptance and empathy working in tandem. You meet the child’s feelings as they are, even the messy ones. You empathise with the shame they’re drowning in. And practically, it means tempering your own response. No harsh telling-off. No thunderous disappointment. Instead: “You’re not a bad kid. I get why this happened. And I still care about you.”
Because here’s the thing: children watch closely for whether their inner world is safe with you. If you counter their self-criticism – “I’m stupid, I’m bad” – with calm, believable truths – “You’re good, you’re worthy” – you’re teaching them a new script. One where they’re not discarded for messing up. One where they’re covered.
And when you hold that shield day after day, the child starts to believe it. Their sense of self stitches back together. They start to grow resilience against shame and rejection. And in that, the bond between you becomes their secure base – something solid, at last, in a life that’s often felt shaky.
What you could say in the moment
“I know you feel really bad about this. It’s okay – we all make mistakes, but I want you to hear this: I’m not angry and I’m not leaving. I love you no matter what. Nothing will change that. Let’s figure out how to make it right together when you’re ready.”
(This script explicitly assures the child of your enduring acceptance. Phrases like “no matter what” and “nothing will change that” directly address fear of rejection. You might literally open your arms like a shield or put an arm around the child if appropriate, to physically reinforce the feeling of protection and safety.)
(This script explicitly assures the child of your enduring acceptance. Phrases like “no matter what” and “nothing will change that” directly address fear of rejection. You might literally open your arms like a shield or put an arm around the child if appropriate, to physically reinforce the feeling of protection and safety.)
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What this pearl is all about
Defiance in children can feel like a brick wall. They cross their arms, scowl, and say “No!” with the kind of finality usually reserved for magistrates. And you feel that surge of frustration rising – the urge to push back harder. But there’s another option.
The Playful Pause is about puncturing that tense balloon with a bit of silliness. A ridiculous face. A pretend dragon lurking in the room. A mock-serious “emergency” about socks refusing to cooperate. It sounds daft, and in a way it is. But daftness is often what works.
The magic of playfulness is that it pauses the power struggle. It shifts the dynamic from “me against you” to “me with you.” For a younger child, it might be full-on theatrics. For a teenager, maybe a raised eyebrow and a wry, self-deprecating joke. Either way, it says: I’m not your enemy. We can reset this together.
It doesn’t mean ignoring the behaviour. It just means you’re smart enough to know that humour can sneak past defences that sternness never will. And once you’ve both laughed, even a little, the wall crumbles. Suddenly there’s room to carry on. Together.
What you could say in the moment
In a mock-serious narrator voice: “Oh no... the Defiance Dragon has entered the room! It’s making us both all grumpy. Quick, I have an idea – I’ll make a funny face to scare it off… 😜 See, the dragon is laughing! Can you give it a try? [Child pulls a face] Hooray, we scared it away together!” (Both laugh, tension breaks) “Alright, shall we give (the task) another go now?”
In this playful script, you create a tiny imaginative game (“Defiance Dragon”) to externalise the child’s defiance as something we can team up against playfully. The exact script can vary widely by age (for a teenager, humour might be more understated, like you suddenly doing a goofy dance and saying “Ugh, what a morning – shall we hit reset and start over?” with a grin). The essence is to surprise the child out of the stuck position with levity. Your willingness to be a bit silly shows the child it’s safe to drop their guard. Once the child smiles or giggles, even briefly, the emotional climate shifts – we (you and the child) are connected again, and the task or issue can often be revisited with less resistance.
In this playful script, you create a tiny imaginative game (“Defiance Dragon”) to externalise the child’s defiance as something we can team up against playfully. The exact script can vary widely by age (for a teenager, humour might be more understated, like you suddenly doing a goofy dance and saying “Ugh, what a morning – shall we hit reset and start over?” with a grin). The essence is to surprise the child out of the stuck position with levity. Your willingness to be a bit silly shows the child it’s safe to drop their guard. Once the child smiles or giggles, even briefly, the emotional climate shifts – we (you and the child) are connected again, and the task or issue can often be revisited with less resistance.
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What this pearl is all about
When a child withdraws – shuts the bedroom door, curls up silent on the bed – it’s tempting to take it personally. To knock loudly, or to storm off yourself. But here’s the truth: often what’s happening is less about you and more about the child drowning in feelings they can’t quite put words to. Shame, sadness, fear.
The Empathy Bridge is about reaching across that gap. Not forcing them to talk, not demanding eye contact, but sending a quiet signal: I see you. I understand. And I’m here. Maybe it’s a few calm words through the door. Maybe it’s leaving a note or a favourite snack outside. Maybe it’s just sitting nearby, available.
The visual is a bridge of hearts or hands. You stand on your side, they on theirs. And you extend something across – empathy – so when they’re ready, they can walk back over. The bridge is patient. It doesn’t collapse if they don’t use it straight away.
This says to the child: Even if you push me away, I won’t give up on you. And in time, that’s how trust is built. They learn that silence won’t scare you off. That feelings won’t break the relationship. And that you are a steady presence on the far side of the cliff, always waiting, always ready to welcome them back.
What you could say in the moment
(You speak through the door or next to the withdrawn child, calmly and kindly): “I know it’s been a really upsetting day. If I were you, I might want to hide under the covers too. Just wanted to say I understand why you feel that way, and it’s alright. I’m here whenever you feel like talking or even if you just want a hug. Take your time – I’m not going anywhere.”
(In this script, you're naming and normalising the child’s likely feelings, showing empathy: “I’d feel the same if I were in your shoes.” There’s also an explicit assurance of presence: “I’m here… I’m not going anywhere,” which is crucial for a child worried about being given up on. The tone is gentle, not demanding a response. You might sit quietly nearby, or leave a soft toy or drawing materials as an invitation. The child then knows the bridge is there whenever they are ready to cross back into interaction. Even if the child doesn’t respond immediately, such messages sink in and over time the child will trust that the carer truly cares and empathises with them.)
(In this script, you're naming and normalising the child’s likely feelings, showing empathy: “I’d feel the same if I were in your shoes.” There’s also an explicit assurance of presence: “I’m here… I’m not going anywhere,” which is crucial for a child worried about being given up on. The tone is gentle, not demanding a response. You might sit quietly nearby, or leave a soft toy or drawing materials as an invitation. The child then knows the bridge is there whenever they are ready to cross back into interaction. Even if the child doesn’t respond immediately, such messages sink in and over time the child will trust that the carer truly cares and empathises with them.)
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