Helping Children to Calm and Regulate
Parent friendly toolkitThis entry is about helping children through dysregulation in a way that protects connection, reduces shame, and teaches the nervous system what safety feels like.
Tip: Use the During tools like a menu, not a checklist. If one does not fit, move on calmly.
Before
Spot it early, lower the temperature, protect connection
Early warning signs
- Sudden shouting, swearing, or bossiness
- Withdrawal, hiding, refusing, or going blank
- Silliness at the wrong time, winding others up
- Pacing, fidgeting, clenched fists, tight jaw
- Tearful over something small, or snapping quickly
What is really happening
- Their survival system is taking over
- The thinking brain is less available
- Behaviour is communication, not a character flaw
- Our job is safety first, learning second
Quick preventative moves
Offer a snack and water
Reduce noise and questions
Give two simple choices
Move closer, soften voice
Name the feeling in the body
If you can lower overwhelm early, you often prevent the explosion later.
During
Expandable tools, choose what fits, keep it simple
If a child is dysregulated, aim for calm body, safe space, steady adult. Teaching comes later.
5-4-3-2-1 grounding, or 5 things you can see +
Guide the child, gently and slowly:
- 5 things you can see
- 4 things you can touch
- 3 things you can hear
- 2 things you can smell
- 1 thing you can taste
Why it helps
It brings attention back to the present moment and reduces spiralling.
Balloon breathing +
Say: “Let’s pretend we have a balloon in our tummy.”
- Breathe in through the nose, slow
- Hold for 2
- Breathe out through the mouth, slower
Pro tip
If they refuse, you still do it. Many children copy quietly once the pressure drops.
Why it helps
Slow breathing signals safety and supports the body to settle.
The 60 second reset +
When a child cannot follow instructions, lower the bar:
- Say: “Let’s just get through one minute.”
- Sit beside them, slow your breathing
- Look at a clock together, or count slowly
Why it helps
It buys time for the wave to peak and fall, without feeding it with threat or lecture.
Name the body, not the behaviour +
Swap correction for description:
“Your body feels buzzy.”
“Your fists look tight.”
“Your breathing is fast.”
“This feels big.”
Why it helps
It reduces shame and helps the thinking brain come back online.
Co-regulation, the “I’ll stay” script +
Use short, steady sentences:
- “I can see this feels big.”
- “I’m here.”
- “I’m not going anywhere.”
- “We’ll sort it together.”
Why it helps
Connection often lowers stress faster than consequences.
Cold reset +
Offer one simple option:
- Cold bottle on cheeks
- Cool water splash on face
- Ice cube wrapped in cloth
Why it helps
Cold sensation can help the body slow down and reset.
Only use what is safe, appropriate, and culturally acceptable for your child.
Heavy work, deep pressure +
Choose one:
- Wall pushes or wall press ups
- Carry the washing basket together
- Move chairs, wipe table, push vacuum
- Wrap in a blanket burrito if they like it
Why it helps
Deep pressure and “heavy work” can organise a stressed nervous system.
Rhythm regulation +
Rhythm is calming for many children. Try:
- Clap slowly together
- Rock gently
- Hum a simple tune
- Tap left, right, left, right on knees
Why it helps
Steady rhythm can help the brain feel predictable again.
Movement burst, then settle +
If the body is in fight or flight, safe movement can help:
- Run to a landmark and back
- 10 star jumps
- Stomp like a dinosaur for 20 seconds
Then
Return to balloon breathing, or the 60 second reset.
If dysregulation escalates into risk, follow your safeguarding procedures and get support promptly.
After
Repair, meaning making, and helping them understand what happened
Timing matters
Repair works best when the child is calm enough to think, even a little. If they are still fizzy, keep it short and return later.
Connect first
Explain later
Keep shame out
The fizzy bottle of pop analogy +
How to explain it
“Do you know what happens when you shake a bottle of pop? The bubbles build up inside. If we open it suddenly, it explodes everywhere.”
“Your body was like that bottle. It wasn’t really about the small thing in the moment. It was lots of bubbles building up.”
Gentle follow up questions
- “What were some of the bubbles today?”
- “Was school hard, or did something feel unfair?”
- “Did you feel worried, embarrassed, or left out?”
The frozen lake analogy +
How to explain it
“Living with big feelings can be like walking across a frozen lake. Some days the ice feels strong and safe. Some days it feels wobbly. Sometimes there are cracks.”
“When things blew up earlier, it was like your foot went through a crack. That does not mean you are bad. It means it felt unsafe in your body.”
“You are not walking across the lake alone. I’m walking with you. If you slip, I help you up.”
Bring it into the next time
- “How will we notice the ice getting wobbly?”
- “What helps you feel steadier?”
- “What should I do, and what should I not do?”
Restoring accountability without shame
You can be kind and still hold boundaries. Focus on repair actions that fit the child’s developmental age.
- “What do we need to fix now?”
- “Who might need checking on?”
- “What can we do differently next time?”
If the child harmed someone or damaged something, keep your tone calm and clear. Repair is part of safety.
Case Studies
Short, realistic examples carers recognise
Case 1: “It’s not fair” meltdown at bedtime
A child is asked to turn off the tablet. They shout, slam the door, and scream that you hate them.
What you do
- Co-regulate: “I’m here, this feels big.”
- Offer a 60 second reset, then balloon breathing
- Later, use the fizzy bottle analogy, explore the bubbles
Case 2: School refusal with tummy ache
A child says their stomach hurts and refuses to get dressed. They are not rude, just stuck.
What you do
- Name the body: “Your tummy feels tight, and that can happen with worry.”
- 5 things you can see grounding, then one small step
- Later, use the frozen lake analogy, plan what helps when the ice feels wobbly
Case 3: After seeing birth family, the house “goes wrong”
After seeing birth family, a child is snappy, tears up homework, and argues over everything.
What you do
- Lower demands, snack and water, reduce questions
- Heavy work or movement burst, then settle
- Later, fizzy bottle analogy, name the build up and plan earlier support next time
These examples can be adapted for kinship care, where family dynamics and loyalty conflicts may intensify the build up and make the ice feel wobbly more often.
Suggested Therapeutic Wording
Carer friendly phrases, simple, steady, and kind
When things feel tough
“I’m here.”
“This feels big.”
“Your body is trying to protect you.”
“We’ll get through this together.”
“I won’t argue with your big feelings.”
When they push you away
“You can be angry, I’m still here.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“I’ll stay close and keep you safe.”
Repair afterwards
“Let’s talk about the bubbles building up.”
“Where did it start today?”
“Next time we’ll spot it earlier.”
“That was a wobble on the ice, not who you are.”
“We practise, that’s how we get steadier.”
Holding boundaries without heat
“I’m kind, and I’m still the grown up.”
“I won’t let you hurt people.”
“We can be upset, and we can be safe.”
“We can fix what needs fixing.”
These phrases are designed to be simple, repeatable, and low shame, while still supporting safety and accountability.
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What this pearl is all about
When children tip into full-blown distress – red-faced, fists clenched, or wailing – something important is happening inside their brains. Especially if there’s trauma in the mix. The rational part goes offline and the survival system takes over. Fight, flight… sometimes both at once. And in that state, calming down on their own is almost impossible.
That’s where you come in. By staying steady – calm body, calm voice – you become the anchor. It’s not glamorous, but it’s powerful. Your calm nervous system helps to steady theirs. Psychologists call it co-regulation. I call it being the anchor in their storm.
The tricky bit, of course, is regulating yourself first. Because their anger can be contagious. It’s very easy to catch it, to snap back. But if you can keep your cool – soften your tone, ground yourself – you transmit calm instead of panic.
And when you do that, you’re saying something profound without words: even at your worst, you’re still safe with me. Over time, those storms lose some of their terror. The child begins to believe it. They borrow your calm again and again, until eventually they start to grow some of their own.
What you could say in the moment
“I can see you’re feeling a really big storm inside right now. It’s okay – I’m right here with you, and you’re safe. Take some deep breaths with me. We will get through this together.”
(Said softly, perhaps while offering a reassuring hand on the shoulder if welcomed, conveying that you are not angry and will stay by the child’s side until the emotional waves settle.)
(Said softly, perhaps while offering a reassuring hand on the shoulder if welcomed, conveying that you are not angry and will stay by the child’s side until the emotional waves settle.)
What this pearl is all about
Children in foster care don’t usually lie in the way adults think of lying – not with the cold calculation of a fraudster in a Netflix documentary. More often it’s a kind of survival tactic, almost automatic. Trauma specialists even talk about it as a “fourth F.” You’ve heard of fight, flight, freeze… well, lying becomes another option. Not to get one over on you, but to dodge the sting of shame, or the dread of being punished, or simply the awful feeling of being powerless.
That’s where the Curiosity Lens comes in. Imagine putting on a pair of invisible glasses or holding up a magnifying glass. Instead of seeing the fib at face value, you start to see what’s underneath it – the fear of rejection, the nervous energy, the shame the child doesn’t know how to name. With PACE in mind – curiosity and acceptance especially – you suspend the moral outrage, the urge to shout “just tell me the truth,” and you lean in gently instead.
It’s not about catching them out. It’s about keeping the conversation alive. As one parenting guide wisely put it: stay exploratory, keep wondering aloud. If you shame them, they’ll close the door. If you stay curious, they might just leave it ajar.
And when you respond with genuine interest – “I wonder what made it hard to tell me…” – you send a message that’s bigger than any single lie: I’m not here to trap you, or humiliate you. I’m here to understand you. That, over time, is how trust grows. They learn you’ll meet their honesty with compassion, not punishment. And that changes everything.
What you could say in the moment
“Hmm, that’s an interesting story you’ve told me. I wonder if maybe it feels safer to say that than what really happened? If you’re worried about getting in trouble, you don’t have to be – you are safe with me. Whatever happened, we can sort it out together. Can you help me understand what’s going on?”
(This phrasing invites the child to explain, without outright accusing them of lying. It uses "I wonder" instead of "You’re lying", signalling curiosity. You might even playfully put on “magic truth glasses” with your fingers, if age-appropriate, to lighten the moment and show the child they’re not angry.)
(This phrasing invites the child to explain, without outright accusing them of lying. It uses "I wonder" instead of "You’re lying", signalling curiosity. You might even playfully put on “magic truth glasses” with your fingers, if age-appropriate, to lighten the moment and show the child they’re not angry.)
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What this pearl is all about
Many children in care carry a kind of hidden script in their heads. It says: I am bad. It’s my fault. They don’t usually say it out loud, but it’s there, humming away. It comes from years of early hurt, of being rejected again and again. Some even learn that if they show real feelings – sadness, anger, longing – it might lead to punishment, or worse, abandonment. So they tuck those feelings away, and the shame festers.
This is where the Acceptance Shield comes in. It’s less superhero cape, more everyday armour. You hold it up, deliberately and consistently, to protect the child from those shame-arrows. It means making a very clear distinction: I don’t always like your behaviour, but I always accept you.
In PACE terms, it’s acceptance and empathy working in tandem. You meet the child’s feelings as they are, even the messy ones. You empathise with the shame they’re drowning in. And practically, it means tempering your own response. No harsh telling-off. No thunderous disappointment. Instead: “You’re not a bad kid. I get why this happened. And I still care about you.”
Because here’s the thing: children watch closely for whether their inner world is safe with you. If you counter their self-criticism – “I’m stupid, I’m bad” – with calm, believable truths – “You’re good, you’re worthy” – you’re teaching them a new script. One where they’re not discarded for messing up. One where they’re covered.
And when you hold that shield day after day, the child starts to believe it. Their sense of self stitches back together. They start to grow resilience against shame and rejection. And in that, the bond between you becomes their secure base – something solid, at last, in a life that’s often felt shaky.
What you could say in the moment
“I know you feel really bad about this. It’s okay – we all make mistakes, but I want you to hear this: I’m not angry and I’m not leaving. I love you no matter what. Nothing will change that. Let’s figure out how to make it right together when you’re ready.”
(This script explicitly assures the child of your enduring acceptance. Phrases like “no matter what” and “nothing will change that” directly address fear of rejection. You might literally open your arms like a shield or put an arm around the child if appropriate, to physically reinforce the feeling of protection and safety.)
(This script explicitly assures the child of your enduring acceptance. Phrases like “no matter what” and “nothing will change that” directly address fear of rejection. You might literally open your arms like a shield or put an arm around the child if appropriate, to physically reinforce the feeling of protection and safety.)
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What this pearl is all about
Defiance in children can feel like a brick wall. They cross their arms, scowl, and say “No!” with the kind of finality usually reserved for magistrates. And you feel that surge of frustration rising – the urge to push back harder. But there’s another option.
The Playful Pause is about puncturing that tense balloon with a bit of silliness. A ridiculous face. A pretend dragon lurking in the room. A mock-serious “emergency” about socks refusing to cooperate. It sounds daft, and in a way it is. But daftness is often what works.
The magic of playfulness is that it pauses the power struggle. It shifts the dynamic from “me against you” to “me with you.” For a younger child, it might be full-on theatrics. For a teenager, maybe a raised eyebrow and a wry, self-deprecating joke. Either way, it says: I’m not your enemy. We can reset this together.
It doesn’t mean ignoring the behaviour. It just means you’re smart enough to know that humour can sneak past defences that sternness never will. And once you’ve both laughed, even a little, the wall crumbles. Suddenly there’s room to carry on. Together.
What you could say in the moment
In a mock-serious narrator voice: “Oh no... the Defiance Dragon has entered the room! It’s making us both all grumpy. Quick, I have an idea – I’ll make a funny face to scare it off… 😜 See, the dragon is laughing! Can you give it a try? [Child pulls a face] Hooray, we scared it away together!” (Both laugh, tension breaks) “Alright, shall we give (the task) another go now?”
In this playful script, you create a tiny imaginative game (“Defiance Dragon”) to externalise the child’s defiance as something we can team up against playfully. The exact script can vary widely by age (for a teenager, humour might be more understated, like you suddenly doing a goofy dance and saying “Ugh, what a morning – shall we hit reset and start over?” with a grin). The essence is to surprise the child out of the stuck position with levity. Your willingness to be a bit silly shows the child it’s safe to drop their guard. Once the child smiles or giggles, even briefly, the emotional climate shifts – we (you and the child) are connected again, and the task or issue can often be revisited with less resistance.
In this playful script, you create a tiny imaginative game (“Defiance Dragon”) to externalise the child’s defiance as something we can team up against playfully. The exact script can vary widely by age (for a teenager, humour might be more understated, like you suddenly doing a goofy dance and saying “Ugh, what a morning – shall we hit reset and start over?” with a grin). The essence is to surprise the child out of the stuck position with levity. Your willingness to be a bit silly shows the child it’s safe to drop their guard. Once the child smiles or giggles, even briefly, the emotional climate shifts – we (you and the child) are connected again, and the task or issue can often be revisited with less resistance.
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What this pearl is all about
When a child withdraws – shuts the bedroom door, curls up silent on the bed – it’s tempting to take it personally. To knock loudly, or to storm off yourself. But here’s the truth: often what’s happening is less about you and more about the child drowning in feelings they can’t quite put words to. Shame, sadness, fear.
The Empathy Bridge is about reaching across that gap. Not forcing them to talk, not demanding eye contact, but sending a quiet signal: I see you. I understand. And I’m here. Maybe it’s a few calm words through the door. Maybe it’s leaving a note or a favourite snack outside. Maybe it’s just sitting nearby, available.
The visual is a bridge of hearts or hands. You stand on your side, they on theirs. And you extend something across – empathy – so when they’re ready, they can walk back over. The bridge is patient. It doesn’t collapse if they don’t use it straight away.
This says to the child: Even if you push me away, I won’t give up on you. And in time, that’s how trust is built. They learn that silence won’t scare you off. That feelings won’t break the relationship. And that you are a steady presence on the far side of the cliff, always waiting, always ready to welcome them back.
What you could say in the moment
(You speak through the door or next to the withdrawn child, calmly and kindly): “I know it’s been a really upsetting day. If I were you, I might want to hide under the covers too. Just wanted to say I understand why you feel that way, and it’s alright. I’m here whenever you feel like talking or even if you just want a hug. Take your time – I’m not going anywhere.”
(In this script, you're naming and normalising the child’s likely feelings, showing empathy: “I’d feel the same if I were in your shoes.” There’s also an explicit assurance of presence: “I’m here… I’m not going anywhere,” which is crucial for a child worried about being given up on. The tone is gentle, not demanding a response. You might sit quietly nearby, or leave a soft toy or drawing materials as an invitation. The child then knows the bridge is there whenever they are ready to cross back into interaction. Even if the child doesn’t respond immediately, such messages sink in and over time the child will trust that the carer truly cares and empathises with them.)
(In this script, you're naming and normalising the child’s likely feelings, showing empathy: “I’d feel the same if I were in your shoes.” There’s also an explicit assurance of presence: “I’m here… I’m not going anywhere,” which is crucial for a child worried about being given up on. The tone is gentle, not demanding a response. You might sit quietly nearby, or leave a soft toy or drawing materials as an invitation. The child then knows the bridge is there whenever they are ready to cross back into interaction. Even if the child doesn’t respond immediately, such messages sink in and over time the child will trust that the carer truly cares and empathises with them.)
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